Creating and Presenting Response

This response was developed by a student as a persuasive piece. It is a few years old but provides a high level example of a Statement of Explanation and a student making efforts to write insightfully with sophistication of expression. Note that their piece has been researched and sources are presented in a bibliography.

The Context, focus text and prompt for this piece are different to our present ones, so remember you are viewing this as an example of a Creating and Presenting piece.

Written Explanation

I am writing in response to the prompt ‘Fear of what is different or unfamiliar always lies at the root of conflict’. Drawing from my knowledge of the play The Crucible written by Arthur Miller, I will write a persuasive blogpost/essay, as I want to address the opposing side of the prompt; fear does not always lie at the root of conflict. There are many reasons why conflict arises, and whilst fear of the 'unknown' is common in many conflicts, it does not qualify for all of them. Sometimes fear is not an element in a conflict.  Aspects such as anger, greed, power, control, jealously, ignorance, death, and race/culture can cause the formation of a conflict. The target audience for my discussion is young people, 16-18 years old, who are studying the play and keen to engage with the universal ideas of conflict that the text addresses. My piece will be published on a blog forum as it is a more accessible tool for young people of this generation. It will be designed in such a way that readers are able to comment on my piece with their own personal opinions to discuss the points I’ve addressed.

I believe the themes and ideas I wish to discuss directly relate to the plot of The Crucible and a vital element of my discussion will be considering how the conflicts in The Crucible were not always driven by fear and I see this to be true in other conflicts that are occurring in the present day. I am aware of incidents similar to what happened in Salem taking place in different times in history. Miller used his historical knowledge of the Salem witch trials to construct The Crucible as an allegory to comment on the fear and hysteria arising from a perceived communist threat during the McCarthy era and I am also going to use my historical knowledge to enlighten my essay discussion. I will consider the McCarthy period, child witches in Niger Delta, Nazi Germany and social networking incidents to show how it is not always fear that starts the chain reaction of conflict. I believe exposing my readers to the issues of these topics will help them to understand how conflict arises from many different reasons and that each conflict is unique to some degree, as is its cause. This will hopefully enlighten my readers to where conflicts stem from in the faith that it may be a stepping stone to prevent conflicts transpiring in the first place.

I have chosen to write in the form of a persuasive essay as I believe it is the best way to persuade those reading to support my opinion. I consider my audience to be passionate about history and literature studies and will use a cultured level of language in my essay to appeal to their academic nature and possibly sway their opinion to agree with mine. I will use biblical allusions to enhance my discussion in the way that Miller used biblical allusions to inform readers of the Salem witch trials integral connection to religion through theocracy in The Crucible. 'For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind' - II Timothy 1:7. This challenges the prompt as the Puritans believe that god made them all what they are, but he did not instil upon them the emotion of fear. I will also be using alliteration to inform my discussion. When I discuss the examples I have collected I have accumulated to illustrate that 'fear does not always lie at the root of conflict', I will express my point of view in such a way that it will challenge the circumstances where I believe fear was not an underlying cause of the encountered conflict.

As I previously stated I wished to address the issue of social networking to support my contention but realised it wasn’t as strong an argument to present, as the other issues I’ve highlighted. Because of this, I decided to not address it in my piece.  

Creating and Presenting: Student Example

CREATIVE PIECE

5/2/13 5pm

Dear diary, For the first time in life I’m confused! So, today at school, the new girl yelled in front of the whole class, “Hey, wog girl, how often do you have your legs?” Everyone was laughing and I just put my head down in shame. I just wanted to to burst into tears and run and hide. Worst day ever!!

6/2/13 4.30 pm

Dear diary, So, this has been on my mind all day, what’s really my identity? At school today I felt so different to everyone, I’ve never noticed but I see differences between me a my class mates everywhere there’s just a few of the differences skin colour, amount of hair on arms, food we eat.  I’m so confused. I don’t know my identity. HELP ME!

7/2/13 2pm

Dear diary, so, turns out the  other day wasn’t actually my worst day because today was much worse.  Today everyone was teasing me, even my best friends. I had to leave school early because I couldn’t handle it. I was always to be Italian now I just don’t know. Only good thing about today is that it’s the holidays. I can be free for two weeks J yay! I just cat figure out my identity now, being different has made everything so confusing.   

10/6/13 6 pm 

Dear diary, its been a few days since I’ve wrote to you, just been thinking a crying. The bullying has been worse. I’m getting facebook messages saying go back to your own country you dirty wog I don’t understand, I didn’t do anything, just because I’m different, I thought everyone was different, I guess not. I cat stop thinking about my identity, I just don’t know any more. But here’s some good news, me and my family are heading over to Italy for a week maybe it will help me, I hope.

13/6/13 5.30 pm

Dear diary, Italy’s amazing, I love it here. I look around; same skin colour, same foods I love to eat, same hair on arms ad same big bum. But there’s one big difference  here I can hardly speak the language or understand it. So, things are starting to become clearer but I’m still a bit confused. Life would have been a lot easier if I was born here. But the again, I would not be the same person I am today.

13/6/13 7.30 pm

Dear diary, OMG! Just remembered a book I had to  read last year about a Asian girl born in Australia, that was picked on for being different and that went to Hong Kong and felt like she really belonged there until she opened her mouth. That’s crazy, her story’s just like mine. Hmm… how did her story end? Oh that’s right, I remember, she said, “To this day I am to some extent confused… am I more Asian or Australian?” I hope I don’t end up like that. 

30/6/13 7 pm

Dear diary, It’s been a while but I’m glad to report finally worked it out. I get some of my identity from Australia and some from Italy. I don’t care that I’m different I’m happy I’m different. There must be so many people that are different that have this very same problem. But I wouldn’t change this experience, its helped me learn a few new things about myself. I am now proud and happy and no one can change that!!

Creating and Presenting: Student Example

EXPOSITORY PIECE

Identity and belonging is a really big ad important thing in each and everyone’s life. It’s something different for all of us. For some people it’s easy to figure out their identity and belonging but for others it’s a real challenge. Many people believe that your relationships   are important in developing your identity and belonging.

For me, I do believe that our relationships are important in developing our identity and belonging. I share a very close and loving relationship at home which I believe has played a big part in shaping my identity and belonging. My identity I see for myself is a kind, friendly, bit out there Australian/Italian. I belong to a big loving family here in Australia but I would love to go to Italy and meet more of my father’s family so that I can feel like I belong there as well. I have many relationships at school with friends that are also a big part of my identity and belonging. 

There are people who think that your culture plays a bigger role in shaping your identity and belonging. Both my father’s parents were born over in Italy and moved to Australia not knowing any of the language. They found it very hard to fit into this new land. If they tried to start a conversation  with anyone they would end up walking away confused and wondering what is wrong with them.  This is when they suddenly began to think that they don’t belong here. The language barrier between the countries made it very it very hard for them to make friends.  This meant they relied on their culture and beliefs to shape their identity and belonging. Relationships  were not important for developing their identity and belonging, it was all about their culture and beliefs.

The Text Growing Up Asian in Australia is full of stories about the issues of belonging and identity. One of my favourites to read was called “ A Call to Arms”.  The story is about a girl called Ai-ya who has never felt like she’s fit in, until one trip over to Hong  Kong. She finally doesn’t stand out, everyone looks the same as her. She says with a lot of heart, “ I felt something I had never experienced before, and something I had never consciously been seeking, acceptance.” But there was still one problem Ai-ya couldn’t speak Japanese. As soon  as she spoke people looked at her confused.  With sadness she says  “to this day  I am to some extent confused… am I more Asian or Australian.” “What’s my identity and where do I belong. “  

So do your relationships really help your develop your identity and belonging or is it something else like culture? It just might even be a bit of both. Your culture might even be making it hard for developing your identity your identity and belonging. But we all have our own different identity and belongings so we probably all have different things that are important I developing our identity and belongings.

C&P Student Example

Creative Piece

Dear Mother,

Life in Australia is harder than people describe it to be. I am different to those who surround me. My community that I have grown up in and how I have been raised are all a tribute to my identity, but I’m 17 and I don’t have a true identity. Being Korean but raised in an all white family has been confusing, I go to a school where I am the only Asian in my class, and that’s been the issue since I started school. Being surrounded by a whole new universe, as it seems, is becoming harder to deal with as I grow older,  I have all the racism drama to think  about, I worry about how I look in the other people’s eyes.

 When my mother her in Australia gets unquestioned about why she has a ‘Chinese daughter’, its not common in Australia for someone to have a child of different culture, it makes me feel aher. My mother here just ignores what people say and tells me to do the same, but how can I when they are constantly staring at me? I feel like such an outsider. I have grown up in Australia my whole life, but I can never seem to find my Australian identity.

Mother has told me stories about how she became my adoption mother and that when I was given to her, just after you gave birth to me, the weather in Pusan, Korea was thirteen degrees below zero. She told me my original name was ‘Soo Joeng’ which I have done some research and found it means ‘crystal’. I have grown to become fond of this Korean name and have chosen to change all my documents with this as my middle name. I would like to find out how you chose this name and why, but I guess I will have to wait to find out one day.

I’m really eager to find you mum, I want to see how you live in Korea, I want to be able to see who I am. Maybe having contact with you, might help me establish my true identity. Just maybe. I also want to understand why you gave me up, and who or what forced you to do so, but how am I supposed to find that information when everyone here is so silent and chooses not to talk about that. It must not be that bad as to why you gave me away, was it because you couldn’t afford a life for me and you? All these questions and no answers. I am a fly in a glass of milk in this town, the only person who sees me as a human is my boyfriend who is Japanese- Australian. He lives in the city of Adelaide and I only get to see him in my spare time, away from school work and when I can get permission. When I am with him though, the world is blocked and it’s just him and I and no one else exists. I wonder if that’s how I will feel when I become into contact with you?

Are you still living in Pusan? I do research on Pusan, and the images I have found on Google images look so serene and calm, with the blossoming trees falling into the courtyards, and the beautiful landscapes, but in one image there is an old woman and her old age has scared me from growing up like that, I can’t imagine myself looking like that, at least I hope not. A  while ago I came across a flyer that was stapled to a tree, written on it was ‘Korean Speech Lessons’, thinking about it I remembered the time back in eighth grade when we were learning about Asian countries and Pusan came into topic and my teacher automatically chose me to do a research assignment on it I didn’t know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment  but as I pronounced it I said ‘Pusan’, it sounded like ‘can’, in such a strong Australian accent, only to be corrected that it’s pronounced Pu’sahn’. I felt a little disappointed in myself that I couldn’t even say my home town name correctly, with this memory I grabbed a pen and paper and contacted the number straight away.

Being a couple weeks on now, the lessons have helped with my connections to Korea and to you. Knowing I can translate what people say to me in Huaguel, it makes me really proud. I will continue with these lessons but I don’t think it will fully help to establish my identity or my feeling of belonging, I think I need to find you and see you, and reunite with you, my Korean birth mother, than maybe, hopefully I can establish my true Korean or Australian identity, just maybe, we’ll see I guess.

Love and miss you mother, from your Australian/Korean daughter

  Blossom Beeby.

                      xx

C&P: Student Example

Adoption.

How it affects relationships.

Author: Anonymous

Issue 7- 4.6.2013

Recently, there has been talk about the effect being adopted from another country can have on a child. It can cause cultural relationship issues. Though taking a child from one country and bringing them to Australia to escape poverty and diseases can be in their best interest, it needs to be recognised that the adoption has an impact on their identity and their feeling of belonging.

The question this raises is, are we protecting the less fortunate children as well as we can? In many countries children are faced with many difficulties and problems, many countries are disease ridden and families are forced to put their children into orphanages to protect them. All they wish is for their children to have safe and secure living conditions. We caught up with a local Victorian woman, Mia Francis, who recently visited the Philippines to adopt a young boy who was living in the orphanages, whose mother chose to give him up as she could not look after him as a mother should. Mia Francis and her husband flew home to Australia blessed with a beautiful son whom they could call their own.

Adopting a child and bringing them into a foreign country comes with many advantages and disadvantages, as Mia Francis and her husband have witnessed firsthand with their adoption. “When you were adopting, did you not think of all the children in Australia who need homes ?” this is just one of many questions they were asked throughout the adoption process.

“We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child.” Jim Gritter, revered child psychologist and adoption asserts expert. Many women in Australia have fertility difficulties and some are left to resort to adoption, many adopt a child in Australia but some choose to go overseas and adopt as it gives them a sense of comfort to know they have saved a child and given a child a comfortable lifestyle back in Australia. But some mother question themselves about taking that child away from their traditional culture. This is issue Mia Francis was faced with as her Pilipino son grew older. She didn’t know much about Asian culture but did take the time to take him to festivals and cultural events, but as he grew older he became uninterested.

Relationships with your parents, and the relationship with your culture all have an impact on how you form your identity and how strongly you believe you belong. Bringing a child from a different culture into a new culture can impact their idea to belong, especially at a young age. Adoption in Australia isn’t as easy as people think, there is a lot involved in the process but in the end a new mother is blessed with a child , whether it be Australian or Asian or from anywhere else in the world.

Therefore, the cultural heritage of the child being adopted shouldn’t matter rather, the important fact is that a child feels safe and secure with their new family. As long as there is love and care children will have a sense of belonging. A new world opens up to adopted children and in the modern landscape it is not one that will deny them the opportunity to acknowledge their original origins and heritage, where they come from or where they go their identity will continue to be impacted by the relationships they share with the people around them.

C and P: Student example

Peter’s Journal.

 

Dear Journal,

Today was the first day of school!!

I got to see all my friends again including Barry who I haven’t seen in what seems like forever! I also got my new teacher today, her name is Mrs. Siren; she seems cool. I can’t believe I’m already in the first grade. Every one at home is already starting to treat me like a grown up. Finally.

Another thing happened today; a little girl started Kinder. She looked different to all the others though, but good different. I think she was Asian like those ladies’ in Dad’s secret magazine that don’t wear clothes.  After spotting her, I couldn’t stop staring at her. I tried to think of something to say but when I opened my mouth all that came out was, “Ching-chong, ching-chong sitting in a tree. Ching-chong, ching-chong eating chop-suey with a flea!” My rhyming skill could have been better. Why didn’t I say, ‘eating chop suey on her knee,’ or something else that actually made sense. I’d never even eaten chop suey before, I just remember watching it being made on one of Mum’s cooking shows. But I guess I just wanted her to notice me.
 

*

Dear Journal,

I found out her name today. I was watching her play with her friend, I think her name is Jo-Ann or something, anyway, they were playing hide and seek and Jo-Anne was looking for her and calling out her name “Jacqui Soo, Jacqui Soo, where are you?” She was looking is all the wrong places so I thought I should help her. I started looking around the playground for her when I spotted her. So I ran over screaming “Jacqui Soo! I’m coming to get you!” But when I got over there she got up and run over to Jo-Ann who yelled at me to leave them alone. I don’t get it; I thought I was helping her.

*

Dear Journal,

I asked Mum about Jacqui today. About why she looks different but sounded just like everyone else and she told me that she was a banana (don’t worry Journal, I was confused too). She said she may be different on the outside and have yellow skin, but she’s the same as everyone else here on the inside, white. I thought about it for a while and it began to make sense. And then I realized something. So I said to Mum “What if you’re an egg? You know, yellow on the inside but white on the outside” and then she laughed and said “don’t be silly”, but I wasn’t being silly and that made me angry so I went in my room.
 

*

Dear Journal,

I wasn’t feeling well today so I got to stay home from school. Mum even made me her special meal, baked beans and burnt toast. She says it’s an old Irish remedy for feeling sick. She says there’s something magic about the recipe that makes you feel good inside. It made me think about Jacqui and Jo-Ann and how Jacqui make me feel good inside.

*

Dear Journal,

I played near Jacqui and Jo-Ann today at lunch. I really want to be friends with them but I have a feeling that they don’t really like me. I don’t know why, I hope I haven’t done something bad to them. I got to test my new nickname on them today though so maybe they might like me. I called out to them to give them back the ball they were playing with at lunch, “Here you go, Baked beans and Burnt toast” and passed them the ball. They just looked at me really strangely and took the ball and ran off. Maybe they’ve never had baked beans and burnt toast before.
 

*

Dear Journal,

Jacqui wasn’t at school today and when I got home Mum and Dad were fighting again. They were getting really loud so I decided to just go to my room and id under my bed where I couldn’t hear them. It went on for ages. I really wish they would stop because it’s scaring me. I think it’s getting late and I haven’t had any dinner. My tummy kinda’ hurts. I think I’ll just try to go to sleep. Maybe I’ll dream of Jacqui and Jo-Ann and us all being friends plying hide and seek together.
 

*

Dear Journal,

Mum and Dad are still fighting. Sometimes they refuse to talk to each other just use me to pass on messages. I think it’s quite childish of them and that’s coming from me. I hate it! I feel so sad at home now. It’s like I can’t have fun anymore with Mum and Dad. I hope it stops soon.

I followed Jacqui around today. I tried talking to her but she just kept ignoring me. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset her. I just wanted to be friends. After a while I gave up trying to talk to her and settled for just watching her.

*

Dear Journal,

Mum and Dad are getting what’s called a divorce. They sat me down after footy training and explained to me that they don’t love each other anymore but they will always love me. Mum said that me and her are moving to Queensland. I got really excited when I realized that that is where the theme parks are. I asked if Dad was going to be there as well but he just kind of looked at me sadly. He said he was going to stay here but he will take holidays to come see me every so month and he will be there for me whenever I want him. I feel really sad. I feel like I’ve done this to them. Did I make them not love each other? Will they still love me when they realize what I’ve done?

Then Mum told me that we’re leaving very soon and told me to go my room and pick out some clothes I can use for the night because we’re going to Nana’s. I asked what would happen with my school and Mum said I’d be going to a new school in Queensland. I got really sad because I realized I’d probably never see Jacqui again. When Mum asked what the matter was I told her, then she said that, most likely, there will be more girls like Jacqui in Brisbane. I hope she’s right.

*

C and P: Student example

Relationships are an important factor in developing our identity and sense of belonging.

Many aspects are involved in shaping one’s identity; these include a person’s culture, beliefs, values and also relationships. Relationships, in particular, help us understand ourselves into being the person we aspire to be. By understanding the person we are, are able to discover the crowd in which we belong in, the people we wish to surround ourselves with and come to know the environment we enjoy and feel safe being in.

In the novel, Growing up Asian in Australia, edited by Alice Pung, one story clearly stood out from others in displaying the importance of friendships and how they are able to shape one’s identity and sense of belonging in both positive and negative experiences. The story, ‘Wei-Li and Me’, written by Aditi Gouvernel, showed Aditi as a young Indian girl trying to survive the school playground and its bully; Barry West. Barry’s foul actions towards Aditi, including encouraging the other children to not even talk to her, ‘as though [her] words and [her] body, carried an infection their immune system couldn’t fight,’ cause Aditi to feel completely ostracized. Aditi’s relationship with Barry and the other children made her feel as though she was worthless, ‘a piece of sh**’ who didn’t matter at all. They made her feel as though she didn’t belong with the other children. However, everything changes once a Chinese boy, Wei-Li, enrolls in the school as well. Makiing fun of his name the children begin to torment Wei-li, removing the bright smile he brought in with himself at the beginning of the day. Without any other options, Wei-Li and Aditi become extremely close friends. Together they would avoid Barry as much as they could. They became each other’s ‘Jalrah’, a Tamil word meaning shadow. By doing this Aditi and Wei-Li were able to discover the person they truly are and realize where they should belong in social status, much higher than Barry West.

In another story in Growing up Asian in Australia, a friendship is again used for the characters to discover each other’s sense of belonging. The relationship is between Tanny and Daryl in the story ‘Exotic Rissole’, by Tanveer Ahmed. Each boy was able to see that they were equals as human beings. The differences between the two boys were simply due their cultural backgrounds, one being Indian and the other Australian. Things like the food they were given and the haircuts they wore were unique to their heritage, not reasons to discriminate against and hate each other, but reason to admire each other and be enriched by what the other’s world could offer them. The friendship between Tanny and Darryl was pivotal in broadening their personal perspectives of Australian identity to be ones of belief in cohesiveness within multicultural communities, an example of inclusive Australian identity types Ahmed wishes his readers to be aware of and, in fact, choose to be if they aren’t already.

In a film titled Bend it like Beckham directed by Indian director Gurinder Chadha, Jess is presented as ‘an Indian girl born to play soccer for England’. Jess is torn between her family’s rules and culture and her love for the game. She meets many new friends as she finds herself secretly on a team. On the team, she feels surrounding herself with her fun team mates, she realizes that she should be able to do both, be in the Indian culture and play soccer, without being judged. With courage, she tells her family this and stands up to what she believes in and eventually they accept her talents and love of soccer.

Personally, I believe that everyone’s identity is influenced by the people that they surround themselves with. I am the person I am today by looking at the people around me, and those I read about or see on TV. I am able to see those people for who they are, their personalities, traits or beliefs, then pick the ones I feel as though help me be the person that I want to be for role models. The relationships I carry with these people are important factors as to why my identity had to developed to be the way it is. Those relationships are what have influenced me to become a person who is resilient, reliable, hardworking and respectful. The type of person who will in turn take up the generational legacy to foster Australian values of mate ship, compassion and a fair go for all in my personal, working and social relationships.  

Relationships help us be the person we are today. They are used as an influence to become the person we become. By understanding the person we are, we are able to know where we belong and how we fit in society.